


Eleanor Shellstrop ruins absolutely everything

by orphan_account



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Attempted Seduction, Bisexual Eleanor Shellstrop, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Hellstrop, Older Man/Younger Woman, Oneshot, Rarepair, The seduction attempt that has already been ficced to death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-24 06:23:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18162446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Eleanor takes a long sip of her uncomfortably warm beer and stares at the shoulder pad wearing cocaine addict. Tahani shifts uncomfortably in her seat. Chidi is quiet.“I’m sorry you think we should what? Eleanor sputters. Mindy yawns and stretches out on the opposite couch nonchalantly tucking her arms behind her head before repeating herself.“Seduce him. Get a little jiggy with it and knock him off his game.” She shrugs.





	Eleanor Shellstrop ruins absolutely everything

**Author's Note:**

> I binge watched both seasons of the good place on Netflix and unfortunately Hulu only has episodes 8-13 of season three so this is what I’ve had to do in between finding a way to illegally stream the first half of season three.

Eleanor takes a long sip of her uncomfortably warm beer and stares at the shoulder pad wearing cocaine addict. Tahani shifts uncomfortably in her seat. Chidi is quiet.

 

“I’m sorry you think we should _what_? Eleanor sputters. Mindy yawns and stretches out on the opposite couch nonchalantly tucking her arms behind her head before repeating herself.

  


“Seduce him. Get a little jiggy with it and knock him off his game.” She shrugs.  

  


“I still don’t get why we can’t just kill him!” Eleanor blurts out and Chidi frowns. “Or subdue him _whatever”_ She continues, waving off Chidi’s half assed objection with a flick of her hand.

  


Mindy makes her way back to her fridge and pulls out another six pack of perpetually warm alcohol.

  


“Mindy? If it’s physically impossible for those to get cold why do you go to the trouble of moving them in and out of the fridge?” Chidi wonders while Mindy refills their glasses. The medium places sole residents face goes blank as she thinks about it.

  


“Never really thought about it. Force of habit I guess.”

  


“So…..” Eleanor prods impatiently steering the conversation back to its original course before Chidi decides to hold a socratic seminar on the practicality of breaking habits. Mindy half smiles and yanks a painting off her wall spinning it around and displaying it with all the flourishes of a MMA card girl.

  


“This is a close to complete record of all the plans you’ve tried to get to the real good place. And since each time you arrive here mind wiped and without my _cocaine_ it’s safe to assume that none of these worked. You guys have tried some variation of attacking Michael four times.” She finishes pointing to one row of the taped up notecards. Tahani traces her well manicured nails down the line and reads them aloud.

  


“Let’s take a look shall we. Physically attack Michael, somehow blind Michael, take Micheal deep into the wilderness and leave him there, drown Michael in the chocolate fountain. Goodness! Whose idea was that. I don’t suppose he needs to breathe anymore than we do.” She laughs humorously.  

  


“Hold on! We had a chocolate fountain?” Eleanor pouts.

  


“That’s the most important thing you took from that?” Chidi snaps.

  


“Well Mindi it doesn’t sound any less implausible than drowning a demon in a chocolate fountain.” Tahani sighs. “Of course I’ll do whatever is required for the common good.” She grimaces. “Even if he is _old_ and in possession of a terribly outdated fashion sense.” She shudders. “When I’m successful we’ll be enjoying the real eternal paradise and if it somehow turns out I’m not then I won’t have to live with the knowledge of it anyways!”

  


“Actually! It has to be Eleanor!” Janet’s artificially chipper voice announces from Mindy's dining room table where she has been watching Jason struggle with constructing a knockoff Star Wars jigsaw puzzle throughout most of their conversation.

  


“What? Why!” Chidi shouts.

  


“Michael talks about Eleanor 243% more than he talks about Tahani 189% more than he talks about Chidi and 200% more than he talks about Jason!” Janet beams. “My research into psychology shows that he might have a mild obsession. Eleanor has the best chance of keeping his attention long enough to get him to tell her how to end the loop!”

  


“I can’t say I’m not relieved.” Tahani sighs. “Although..243% percent more. Really?” She asks clutching her hand to her chest in overly dramatic shock.

  


“Well I can’t say I’m surprised. Who wouldn’t want this body?” Eleanor humble brags, puffing out her chest.

  


“I want it.” Mindy tells them looking at Eleanor hopefully. “I’ve been here for 100 years I’d take anyone at this point.” She chuckles hysterically.

  


The four other humans exchange a worried look.

  


“Not the time Mindy darling.” Tahani tells her gently.

  


“Eleanor you seem way to calm about the possibility of-“ Chidi begins but then stumbles unable to get the words out.

  


“Banging the bastard? Getting some dicking from a demon?” Eleanor finishes guiltily enjoying Chidi’s obvious discomfort at her word choice.

  


Chidi rolls his eyes “Eleanor you really didn’t have to say it like that.”

  


“Besides i’m quite sure it won’t come to that. A good snog or two _maybe_ but you only need to catch him off guard a little. Soften him up a bit so you can get some information or distract him so we can.” Tahani interjects.

  


“I don’t know guys. It’s been a lot longer since my last conquest on Earth. Doing the manager on a buffet table afterhours at Golden Corral wasn’t exactly the best as last bonings go (she did get some half priced hot wings out of it though) I mean- I’m not _not_ into it.” She admits sheepishly.

  


“Oh Eleanor…” Tahani mumbles rubbing her temples.

  


“Oh come _on_ you guys! Don’t tell me none of you have a secret repressed fantasy about rubbing one out with an immortal being!”  Eleanor waits for reluctant agreeance but there’s stunned silence from the three humans. “Not even a little one?” Eleanor pleads. Tahani Mindy and Chidi shake their respective heads. “ _Really”_ Eleanor cocks her head to the side. “Not even you Mindy?”

  
  


It’s a lot more nerve wracking than she thought it would be standing outside Michael's office door paperclip peace offering in hand. They’d walked back through town unchallenged. Eleanor swore she could feel curious eyes on her crew as they stepped off the train and passed the queso dip fountain. She still found the cheese and the people who sat on the ledge eagerly dipping supersized tortilla chips into the artificially colored liquid revolting but it was strangely comforting to know there was a reason for the bizarre choice.

  


She’d been strong armed into borrowing one of Tahani’s day dresses. While the pastel yellow had previously grazed against Tahani’s gorgeously shaped thighs the fabric hit Eleanor a little below the knee. She wished it didn’t have to be this damn hard. If Eleanor had wanted a roll in the hay with someone on Earth she’d have burst in like the spitfire she was and asked, loudly and within earshot of anyone around (the Shellstrop’s were gifted, or cursed depending on who you asked, with very high tolerance for public spectacle) if he or she were interested.

  


Eleanor reminded herself that she wasn’t here of her own accord. With her penchant for authority figures couldn’t rule out the possibility that she would have sought him out eventually but circumstances had changed, _a lot._ Eleanor wasn’t going to Micheal for a much needed stress reliever she was attempting to win him over in order to change the fate of her friend groups eternal soul. She couldn’t take risks.  Eleanor gave her hair a light fluff and knocked on the door.

  


“Come in?” She could hear Michaels voice from inside. She opened the door and closed it behind her before looking up to face him. The man she’d considered a friend before Mindy’s revelation this morning looks up from the book he was reading and flashes a megawatt smile in her direction.

  


“Eleanor! I was just finishing up this book Chidi loaned me.” He grinned again and flipped the novel so she could read the cover before carefully marking his page and pushing it aside.

  


“Nietze huh. Isn’t all that nihilism unnecessary in a perfectly crafted paradise?” She forces a small laugh and he raises an eyebrow and kicks his feet up onto his desk leaning back in his chair.

  


“Oh Eleanor.” He chuckles “Do you think I’m an idiot. I know you’ve been to Mindy’s I’m sure she’s filled you all in.” She freezes letting the box full of paper clips fall to the ground. The box flips open crumpling the pink bow Tahani had re wrapped seven times comically insistent on making sure it was perfectly centered. Half the contents spill unto the floor. She nervously picks at the lacy hem of her sundress and he sighs.

  


“Do you mind if I get those real fast?” He asks excitedly gesturing towards the paper clips.

  
  


“I...sure dude.” She relents.

  


“Thanks it’s just-” he pauses bending over to sweep the strays back into the box. “You can never have too many paper clips and I’m going to have to reboot Janet and wait for her to learn what these are again. It’s an awful nuisance.”

  


“Michael-” She starts but is cut off by a loud gasp from the demon.

  


“Jeez Eleanor! You even brought me colored ones?” He grins holding up a neon orange mini sized clip. “Dang! I didn’t even know they came in more than grey! Nice bribe Shellstrop, although I would think someone would talk you three out of bargaining your souls on my love of paper clips.” He shrugs and walks back to his desk. “I mean it sure beats trying to _drown_ me. That was idiotic but this?”

  
  


“That wasn’t the plan!” She snaps more than a little defensively. “We’re not that stupid!”

  
  


“I’ve learned not to overestimate humans. What was it then?” He asks her curiously pushing his glasses off the bridge of his nose. Eleanor doesn’t answer at first, weighing her options. The plan was to draw Micheal away from his office for as long as possible so Chidi and Tahani could tear the place apart looking for a way out. If she could keep him laughing at her misery long enough it could give the others time to try to come in and create a diversion where escape was possible.

  


“Mindy said we should try to get on your good side.” She mumbles still reluctant.

  


“In what way?” He smirks and she wonders if he’s already guessed.

  


“She wanted us to try forking seducing you ok!” Eleanor blurts out before she can stop herself.

  


He freezes mid laugh and looks at her, clearly taken aback. But then he sits up a little straighter composure regained.

  


“ _Seduce_ me? Firstly what exactly does that accomplish? Secondly why the heck didn’t you send Tahani?”

  
  


“We _were_ going to do that. But Janet told us I’d have a better chance.” She explains through gritted teeth. “She said you talk about me wayyyyy more than the other humans. Also, 243% really? Sounds like a little bit of an obsession dude.” She takes satisfaction from the pissed off expression that flashes across his face when she teases him.

  
  


“I’ve been trying to torture you for 70 years Eleanor. every. single. forking. time. you. figure. it. out! Do you know how much that irks me? So _yes_ maybe I have a little fixation _yes_ maybe I rant to Janet once in a blue moon. But make no mistake, it has nothing to do with me being interested in you!” He’s almost shouting at this point. Eleanor loves that she’s riled him up. She crosses to him kicking the aside the chair and slams her palms down on the desk. He jumps a little in his seat.

That really makes her smile.

  


“What exactly did you say about me Michael? What really gets you _going_ about me dude?” She jeers. He stands up from his chair and looks down at her. She’s forgotten how tall he is and it’s slightly imposing. He takes a deep breath and begins

  


“For starters there’s your persistent habit of calling absolutely _everyone_ you come into contact with some outlandish variation of dude or bro.  Then there’s your peevish habit of continuously ruining my life’s work, your annoyingly bouncy hair. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg Eleanor! What use is their for someone this dang tiny! What can you even do!” He continues resting an accusatory finger on the top of her head to prove his point.

  


“Hey! That’s a cheap shot! I can’t control my height!” She whines “Or my adorable bouncy hair!” She adds shaking her head for good measure.”

  


“This! This type of behavior is exactly what I’m talking about! Fork you Eleanor! Seriously. Fork you!” He mumbles.

  


She plops down on the edge of his desk and spreads Tahani’s gorgeous dress over her legs.

  


“ _Fork me?_ ” She repeats blowing a raspberry. “I wouldn’t mind a good forking right about now. Right here on this desk if you want.” She offers patting the area next to her and swinging her (admittedly short) legs.

  


“It’s not going to work.” He half smiles placing both hands on her shoulders. “I mean you just told me that was your plan however convoluted your end goal was you’re not going to get there. _Certainly_ not by having me fork you.”

  


“I know that.” She tells him quietly

  


“I’m going to reboot you all now Eleanor. We’ll just start this all again and the next time you four slip out to Mindy’s maybe you’ll have more luck.”

  


“Does it hurt?” She asks him suddenly serious.

  


“No Eleanor. It doesn’t hurt.” He answers still trying to remain calm and reassuring. He raises a hand and she realizes that’s all it takes. No special button no secret code just a simple hand gesture and her memories of the past three months her memories of her friends, gone.

  


“No wait!” She pleads and he heaves a sigh and lowers his arm back to her shoulder.

  
  


“What now Eleanor?” He wonders his voice flat.

  


“You’ve never thought about it at all? In all these years you’ve never thought about me that way. Not once?” She probes.

  


“I’m not interested in humans.” He snaps back but he hesitates. And oh boy does she notice.

  


“You _totally have!”_ She laughs triumphantly.

  


“Of course I have Eleanor. Way more than once and certainly more than a passing thought. You really have ruined absolutely everything for me.”

  


“Ruined! I know for a fact  I made your stupid demon desk jockey job way more interesting!” She protests.

  


“Just be quiet. Don’t tempt me into do something we’ll both regret.” He says quietly.

  


“Here’s the thing though Michael. I _won’t_ regret it. It’ll be just like everything else I’ve done here. I can’t regret it because I won’t even _remember_ -”

  


He cuts her off mid sentence and puts his mouth to hers. Eleanor’s not exactly sure what she expected kissing a demon would be like but it’s the opposite of uncomfortable. When he pulls away for a second to wait for her reaction she considers making some quip about how this must mean she’s headed for hellfire, until she remembers she’s already here. She pushes the thought away and draws him in by the collar trying her best to forget the hopelessness of her predicament. Eleanor wraps her legs around his waist and pulls him closer running her fingers through his fluffy white hair.

  


“Is this comfortable for you?” He asks in between kisses.

  
  


“Not really.” She admits shifting her weight on the hard surface.

  


“I see no reason why it shouldn’t  be.” He smiles. She drops her legs and lets him pull away before slowly sliding off the desk. He slumps down into his chair and looks up at her.

  


“Concerned for my comfort? How decidedly undemonic of you!” She teases lightly adjusting the shoulder strap of the sundress that’s come loose sometime since they began.

  


“Come here Eleanor.” Michael tells her ignoring her jab.

  


“With this mass of fabric. That’s not very practical is it?”

  


“Take it off then.” He adds. She grins and drops the straps letting Tahani’s loan crumble to the floor, enjoying the way it feels to watch his eyes rake over her body.

  


“How far I’ve fallen.” He says more to himself than to her.

  


She straddles his legs and sinks down into his lap His lips brush the side of her neck. He feels warm and safe even though she knows he is anything but. They kiss some more and he snakes a hand underneath her bra but that’s all he’s tried to do. She thought he’d be fast giving her what they both need and then snapping the memory of their transgression away without a chance for goodbye but he is unhurried, slow and almost unbearably gentle.

  


It was strange she realizes in the smallest part of her brain that isn’t focused on the task at hand that she is very close to sleeping with the (possibly) literal spawn of Satan and he is being more careful with her than a decent number of her human partners. Neither of them realize they’re being watched until the woman watching breaks the silence.

  
  


“Micheal!” She thunders. “What are you doing!” Eleanor unabashedly looks up to identify their unconsenting voyeur and vaguely recognizes the woman who owns the salsa shop next to the queso fountain.

  


“Vicky! Goodness! Why didn’t you knock!” He shoots back sliding an arm around Eleanor in a somewhat demeaning attempt to protect her modesty. She pushes his arm away.

  


“Look. Can you just let us have this. No questions asked. I’ll buy your salsa every day for the next month just-go away.” Eleanor pleads. The other woman’s jaw drops and her face scrunches.

  
  


“Messing around with the humans Micheal! That’s DISGUSTING. And really very low even for you! I’m sure there’s someone here who would be happy to provide some relief!” Vicky rambles, not so subtly giving Micheal a look that suggested she’d be very willing. Eleanor doesn’t have enough time to properly process the fact that at least some of the other residents are demons before Micheal starts making up excuses.

  
  


“It was torture Vicky! Is that not obvious! Make the person who doesn’t fit in think the good place architect has fallen for her. Give Eleanor all the more guilt for decieving an actual angel! It was genius and now you’ve gone and forked it up!” He lies stomping his foot in a convincingly Micheal way.

  


“You’ll have to reboot her now.” Vicky snaps.

  
  


“And whose fault is that?” He snorts. She opens her mouth to say some witty retort and then shuts it again storming off down the hall. The door is left wide open but Eleanor figures it hardly matters now anyways. She buries her face in his shirt and takes in the pleasant scent of freshly washed laundry.

  


“Please don’t.” She tries knowing it won’t make a difference. He sighs and presses a soft kiss to her forehead.

  


“It doesn’t matter Eleanor. You won’t even remember.” He reminds her. She reaches a hand up to touch his cheek and then everything goes white.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated! :))


End file.
